a reservation

My Friends,


I watched Sense and Sensibility last night with mom.  It's not my favorite of the Austen stories, but I haven't seen it in a long time.  As a young girl, when I first discovered Jane, I remember not caring for this story--probably because, as I was reminded last night, it's not very exciting.  But, in my journey of self-discovery Jane's characters hit home.

I find that I relate to many of Jane Austen's characters especially Emma, but Marianne Dashwood and I are kindred spirits.  She is an open book, just like me.  It's a struggle for me not to share everything with anyone.  Her sister, Eleanor warns her about her inability to suppress her emotions.  She lays it all out there too quickly, allowing vulnerability to seep in at it's maximum. Oh, Marianne! you and me, we are very much the same.    


I do not possess the talent of leaving people wanting.   Apparently, it is better to be reserved, not give yourself away emotionally, leave people wondering about you.  Is it wrong that I don't?  I question whether or not I should try to be one of these people, but it is not who I really am.   Shouldn't I really just be myself?

I've concluded, while coming back to revisit this post before sending it out into blogland, that I'm frankly exhausted of trying, of being a chameleon, which is GREAT for my outgoing personality.  I can get along with just about anyone.  But, it's a problem because I think I've lost myself in all of the changing.  I mean, I know who I am, and deep down I haven't lost that, but I'm so tired of trying to be what I think everyone else wants me to be--or who I should be with, when I should be with him--or how I should act, where I should be in life at my age, how old I am vs how old I act, how invested I get in circumstances, what I do with my free time etc etc etc. So, I'm done.  I'm just done, and I'm just me.


Love Always,