flowers and magic and love and bliss

Darling friends,

I think I am afflicted with what some religious scholars refer to as "Slumber Party Theology."  When I think of God I think of butterflies, and love, and flowers, and happiness, and bliss, and life, and stars, and magic.  Yes, even magic.  I've never been "afraid" of God.  Am I supposed to be?  It's all over the Bible... it's all over church... the awesome fear of God.  But, do I fear God.  No.  I never have.  It's always flowers and magic and love and bliss.  

Is that why I have big dreams?  I am such a dreamer.  I want so much out of life--I want everything--so much in fact, I'd probably--realistically--have to live 10,000 lives to do everything I want to do, I want to be, I want to experience, everything I want to live, I want to love.  Oh, do I want to love, and be loved.  To feel the sun from both sides--the warmth--the heat--the fire, like a strike of lightening, blue energizing glow surrounding my soul, my body, my heart, me...me...me


Is this why I'm selfish?  Probably.  Because I want.  I want.  I want.  I need.  I.  I.  I.  And for God sakes...love! Ultimately in life, we act selfishly.  We do what suits our own lives.  Bless, with a thousand universes those who act out of pure selflessness.  I used to think I was selfless that I do everything for everyone else--and mostly I think I do.  But, when it's big enough, when push comes to shove I will act in my own best interest... and damn everything else!  

"It all goes away. Eventually, everything goes away."  So says Liz.  Yes, ultimately the good the bad...the long nights, the blissful days.  They end.  All of them.  Everything.  I close my fist hard around the good moments, and watch as the sweet sand slips through.  Always, always it fall through the cracks.


Today, I read:


"Nobody amongst us is shown the endgame.  Devotion is diligence without assurance.  Faith is a way of saying, 'Yes, I pre-accept the terms of the universe and I embrace in advance what I am presently incapable of understanding.  There's a reason we refer to 'leaps of faith'--because the decision to consent to any notion of divinity is a mighty jump from the rational over to the unknowable.... If faith were rational, it wouldn't be--by definition--faith.  Faith is belief in what you cannot see or prove or touch.  Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark.  If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be... a prudent insurance policy.  I just want God.  I want God inside me.  I want God to play with my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on water."  ~Eat Pray Love 


So, God... carry me.  Dance inside my bloodstream.  While I don't want to know the endgame (because what fun would that be--after all).  I want some guidance.  I want you to help me cross that threshold into the joy of life, of living, of love, of adventure, of passion, of happiness... of bliss and butterflies and flowers and love and magic. 


Love Always,

who am I? I am That.

Dearest friends,

I've been questioning myself a lot lately.  I suppose the psychoanalysis classes I took in college don't help this situation much...or maybe they do.  I've kind of been on this roller coaster of emotions as of late, extreme bouts of happiness and then sadness and then hills of happiness again... and then oh look, plunge to sadness--where you want to throw your hands up in the air and say "woooo yeah, I am ready for this plunge," and then you end up chickening out.  But, oh,  once you hit that peak and your waaayyyy up there; the plunge is inevitable.  And the worst part--you see it. 

My mom seems to think that this is because happiness is fleeting--which it is--and that it is only when you have inner joy that you are truly "happy" all of the time.  Life isn't Disney World--of course.  And I mean, I know this.  She said sometimes it's as simple as telling yourself to be joyful.  But, I've tried like I'll get this burst of happiness and run out to go and get my Starbucks venti passion fruit iced tea, and I'm so happy, and then when it's gone I'm a little sad--not like someone died sad, but sad at the moment's end.  Or maybe disappointed is the better word?

So, I've been trying to discover who I am, which seems to be part of the key to "inner joy."  Who am I?  I have apparently no friggen clue.  I mean, I think I know, but then I start wondering if that's REALLY me or if that's society's influence on who I thought I should be... or is that really just a glimmer of my friends or my family, or whatever.  And I wonder if I'm so buried in this life that the REAL me will never "stand up."  Then, I start wondering if that's why I'm so attached to my name--my full name (first and last).  In my old relationship I explained that it would be difficult for me to change my name when I get married because it's me, and I'd probably go through this period of loss--and it made me panic a little inside.  Is this feeling because my name first, middle, last is the only thing I have to identify "me."  Because that's the ONLY thing I have concretely showing "this is me, this is who I am."  Maybe.  I don't know.  And then, when I'm thinking all these things I just want to tell my mind to shut up!  Like I don't care!  


My mom says I need to talk to God, apparently another key to "inner joy."  But, I really don't know how.  You would think talking to God would come naturally for me given the familial household in which I grew up.  Nope.  Aside from praying, usually selfishly, I really don't know what I'm doing.  So, I think tomorrow morning I'm going to meditate using a mantra.  Ham-sa.  Which in Sanskrit means "I am That."  Apparently, according to Liz  "Ham-sa is the most natural mantra, the one we are all given by God before birth.  It is the sound of our own breath....  As long as we live, every time we breathe in or out, we are repeating this mantra.  I am That.  I am with God.  I am an expression of God, I am not separate, I am not alone, I am not this limited illusion of an individual.  Meditate on whatever causes a revolution in your mind." 


Tomorrow, I go to war--with my mind.
Love Always, 

luminescence

Darling friends,

I love how wonderful Eat Pray Love is.  There is something in nearly every "bead" that I want to share because her thought-provoking writing wanders my thoughts.

In her 39th bead Liz describes this Indian boy she meets at the Ashram where she studies.  She goes onto explain how he captured her attention and that she struggled to figure out what was so special about him.  She writes:  "Why was I so moved every time I saw his face--a face so drenched with luminescence it looked like he'd just come back from a long vacation in the Milky Way?  I finally asked another Indian teenager who he was.  She replied matter-of-factly: 'This is the son of one of the local shopkeepers.  His family is very poor.  The Guru invited him to say here.  When he plays the drums, you can hear God's voice.'"

"He who's face gives no light shall never become a star."  This passage reminded me of this very special quote that I love.  Having a face that gives off light, that is luminescent is very important... it draws people to you.  Light of any kind tends to attract, in general.  I started thinking about all of the experiences I've had where people have attracted me because of the light they give off, or have made me incandescently happy like an overdoes of endorphins--all because of this light.

...then I started thinking about my sister's wedding.  Part of the magic, and the effervescence that was contagious was the luminescence in her face.  She was on vacation in the Milky Way that day--and took us all with her.  

Be a light,

desire is the design flaw

Dear friends,

I started India last night.  This is the second third of Eat Pray Love.  I am in love with this section because already it has got me thinking.  

In her 38th bead Liz talks about Yoga.  I've only ever participated in Yoga once.  I was in middle school, clearly much too young to appreciate the value of this ancient practice.  It was my favorite choice in gym class for two reasons:  first, it allowed me to get out of playing basketball (which I hated most), and "all we had to do" was stretch and lay on the floor in the dark listening to classical music.  Obviously the meditative part of this was lost on me--or never explained because our culture fears and forbids conversation of anything deemed religious--especially in school.  So, instead of clearing my mind and finding my balance I lay on the floor thinking about whatever boy I currently was crushing on, a chronic condition of my life.

I still don't know anything about meditation over ten years later.  When I have tried I fall asleep or boredom kicks in--perhaps, I don't know how to do it, how to clear my head of toxic thoughts and let the universe rush in.

Liz explains Yoga,which comes from the root word yuj meaning "to yoke," to attach yourself to a task at hand with ox-like discipline. "And the task in yoga is to find union--between mind and body, between the individual and God, between our thoughts and the source of our thoughts... It is a dedicated effort to haul your attention away from your endless brooding over the past and your nonstop worrying over the future so that you can seek, instead, a place of eternal presence from which you may regard yourself and your surroundings with poise."  Oh, to be able to do this.  Sometimes, I think I am, or wonder if I'm just "faking" living in the present.  And I do this so very well.  I think I fake it so well that I trick my mind into a state of transcendent bliss.  This doesn't always last because I inevitably go back to dwelling over past events or worrying over future plans.  How do I live in a perpetual state of "now?"  

She also says that we need to try to disentangle the built-in glitches of the human condition, which "I'm going to over-simply define here as the heartbreaking inability to sustain contentment."  Liz's psychologist friend describes it as "desire is the design flaw."  I thought about this, and yes, none of us are happy/content all of the time.  In fact, most of us are probably content less than half of the day--though I personally strive for more than that.  Is desire really to blame for this?  Desire does certainly complicate things.  I desire so many things in life, and perhaps the realistic fact that I wont obtain all that I want would cause me to be unsatisfied or unfulfilled?  But, as we grow up our desires change.  Desire is one of the supreme factors that motivate us to do awesome things in life, to pursue seemingly impossible dreams.  We cannot live without desire.  We wouldn't be human without desire.  Even a shadow of desire moves us.  Changes us.  Leads us.  Maybe, we sacrifice a perpetual state of happiness for the ability to desire.  

Dream always, desire always, love always,

a city's lingo

Dear friends,


I am on the 33rd bead.  And I would like to stress again, that if you have not read this book, you NEED to.


Liz talks about how she loves Rome, but she knows it is a city in which she would never spend the rest of her life. Her friend Giulio explains that she and Rome have different words.  The he goes on to explain that "'every city has a single word that defines it, that identifies most people who live there.  If you could read people's thoughts as they were passing you on the streets of any given place, you would discover that most of them are thinking the same thought.  Whatever that majority thought might be--that is the word of the city.  And if your personal word does not match the word of the city, then you don't really belong there.'
'What's Rome's word?' I ask. 
'Sex,' he announced.
'But surely there are some people in Rome thinking about other things than sex?'
Guilio insisted: 'No.  all of them, all day, all they are thinking about is sex.'

Now if you are to believe Giulio, that little word--sex--cobbles the streets beneath your feet in Rome, runs through the fountains here, fills the air like traffic noise.   Thinking about it, dressing for it, seeking it, considering it, refusing it, making a sport and game out of it--that's all anybody is doing.  Which would make a bit of sense as to why, for all its gorgeousness, Rome doesn't quite feel like my hometown.


This started me thinking about my hometown, which for the sake of my own privacy we'll call Atown.  I absolutely love, with my whole entire being my hometown.  I feel like Atown and I share the same word, thought I'm not 100% sure what that might be--romanticism perhaps.  Walking down the streets of Atown one feels like they have entered a painting, with old fashioned wrought iron streetlights, long well-kept sidewalks, people stopping to say hello and comment on the beauty of the day.  I love this town.


I told my mom once, that when I come home, I'm driving down the long hilly path by the orchard, and I look at the breathtaking mountains--my soul, it almost audibly sighs.  Home.  I'm home it says to my heart.  This is perhaps why my current city has never felt like my hometown--we don't share words.  And, maybe Atown takes up all the space in my heart.


Love Always,

crossing the shadow of the sword

Darling friends,


I am trying to go super slow so I can savor every second of this delicious novel.  I have managed only to allow myself to read ten pages in two days.  It helps that I've had lots to do, so I've had minimal time for reading.  

In her thirtieth bead (chapter) Liz talks about how her sister comes to visit her in Italy.  She writes about some of the things she was thinking in terms of the way her life and the life of her sister flowed in different ways.  She says "I am so surprised sometimes to notice that my sister is a wife and mother, and I am not.  Somehow I always thought it would be the opposite... we grew up into different adults than anyone might have foretold when we were children."

I loved this part because this past week in my Columbia writing institute class I wrote, in my writer's notebook, and then drafted onto yellow paper the astonishing thoughts of the way my sister's and my life have flowed and ebbed differently too.  I realized at some level, I have always been competing with my sister.  I was also first at all things because I was the oldest, so I was used to having the upper hand.  I was the first to be born.  I was the first to go to school, so I showed my siblings the ropes.  I was the first to learn, so I taught.  I was the first to be allowed to shave my legs, so my cousins and sister used to enviously watch.  I was the first to get my driver's license, so I was the cool older sis with the ability to drive places.   The only thing I was not first in was marriage.  At first, I didn't think this bothered me.  I love my sister, naturally, and I love her husband, he is everything I could ever want for my sister.  And I am so happy for them.  But, people started asking me insensitively and curiously "does it bother you that your baby sister beat you to it?"  And other variants of the same question.  "No, no of course not," I would respond on auto-pilot.  Deep down though, it did.  In the past week, I realized that the "deep down" feeling I was grappling with was jealousy.  Writing, as it always is, was therapeutic in the sense that it gave me closure to this feeling.  As I no longer care that I wasn't first.  I no longer care if it never happens for me at all.  


Liz wrote once that she used to look like her men like some people look like their dogs.  This would happen because she would change herself in her relationships to fit the projected needs of her partner.  She came to terms with this.  I think I'm battling some kind of a similar illness... hence this project of self-discovery.  

Liz also talks about Virginia Woolf, a modernist woman for her times.  Liz quotes Woolf in her book: "'Across the broad continent of a woman's life falls the shadow of a sword.'  On the one side, she said, there lies convention and tradition and order, where 'all is correct.' But on the other side of that sword, if you are crazy enough to cross it and choose a life that does not follow convention, 'all is confusion.  Nothing follows a regular course.'  Her argument was that the crossing of the shadow of that sword may bring a far more interesting existence to a woman, but you can bet it will be more perilous."


That's the feeling in my soul pushing me into spontaneity and adventure.  There is a piece of this sword in each of our spirits, the one that Peter Pan chose, I can imagine.  The one that screws any thoughts about life but your own.  


I choose to cross the sword!! I have come to understand that I would rather be alone than married to the wrong person.  That a relationship will never define me.  That bringing children into an unhappy marriage, that marrying for the sake of getting married would be just as irresponsible as quitting my secure job and traveling the world ten times over with no money.  Some irresponsibility's are just accepted by society more than others. 

I choose a different life.  A unique life... one like no other!  So, be prepared sword, be prepared to be wowed, then crossed!!

Love Always,

near sigthtedness

Dearest friends,


I just got my glasses prescription renewed on Tuesday, and got the call from BJs that my new glasses came in.  I went to pick them up excitedly...because they are so pretty.  I love the intricate design around the lenses--almost like wrought iron.

I started thinking about sight...
While my prescription is for my far sighted inability (ironically similar to my life), my "near sightedness" --that is, near to my heart-- I am working on too.  seeing without the eyes is just as important.  Having the ability to look into yourself and focus--allowing what is blurry and obscure to come into view and clarity is crucial to our own inner survival.  


Elizabeth Gilbert is my own inner-optometrist.  Her life-story is opening clarity into my own.


Love Always,

transformation

My darling friends,

It didn't take me long, not surprisingly, to find something in Elizabeth Gilbert's book for me to talk about today.  Not two pages in and I was breathing in to my heart, thinking about my own life, and wondering at how I can live each day with this new idea.


Gilbert compares, in a way, the changes the Augusteum has been through to her own life.  "The world is chaotic, bringing changes to us all that nobody could have anticipated.  The Augusteum warns me not to get attached to any obsolete ideas about who I am, what I represent, whom I belong to, or what function I may once have intended to serve....one must be   prepared for riotous and endless waves of transformation."                   photo by CNES

I started thinking about how I define myself

*daughter

*sister

*teacher

*writer

*reader

*lover of many things

*outgoing 

*beautiful

*friendly

*selfless

*family oriented

*happy

*smart

*learner

 *scholar 

*pet owner

*swimmer

*summer baby

*preppy

*artistic

*creative

*christian

*adventurer

*traveler

*green bay fan

*whatever the opposite of high-maintenance is

This was just a "quick" list... as long as it may be.   These were the first things that came to mind when I think of myself--it was very therapeutic for me to see what was in the stream of consciousness of self for me.  I'm happy to say that they are all positive!!! I am open to transforming my life, and open to whatever changes life throws my way.  While I am attached to some of these "definitions" of myself, I see that my life is fluid--any of these can change at any moment of any day.


Elizabeth Gilbert says that's it is time to ask yourself those crucial, vital questions.


who am I?  


So, in turn, my friends, I ask... who are you?


Love Always,

TOUCHDOWN!!!!!

My dear friends,

Have I mentioned how much I love the book Eat Pray Love?  Well, I LOVE this book!!!  Today, I read a part where Liz goes to a soccer game with her new friend Luca Spaghetti (which is surprisingly this guys actual name).  She said that she thoroughly enjoyed learning all of the Italian curse words like cafone which means asshole.  Cursing is something she would undoubtedly hear at a sporting event--at least in America this would hold true.  She learns most of these words, which she explains she wasn't learning in school, from the old man sitting near her.

She writes:  "Oh, it was such an exquisite and lucky moment in my life to be sitting right in front of this man.  I loved every word out of his mouth.  I wanted to lean my head back into his old lap and let him pour his eloquent curses into my ears forever.  And it wasn't just him!  The whole stadium was full of such soliloquies.  At such high fervor!  Whenever there was some grave miscarriage of justice on the field, the entire stadium would rise to its feet, every man waving his arms in outrage and cursing, as if all 20,000 of them had just been in a traffic altercation."  

This made me excited for the beginning of football season--a season I have come to love with great and intense passion.  Especially seeing as though I'm a Green Bay Packers fan!!!  This sport converted me to Verizon FIOS so that I could have the "red zone,"  and be privy to seeing EVERY touchdown during EVERY game!  Last year, I even started my own fantasy league!! Living in New York, I don't get all of of the Green Bay games, but I sit down in front of a Giants or Jets game with my laptop on the table watching the digital Packers field on nfl.com update me in real time!!! Such a great invention!!! God, I love this sport!  And what sport could be better? Certainly there are none so great!

Love Always,

my "mini-golf face"

Darling Friends,

As you all know at this point, I am reading Eat Pray Love.  Amazing, amazing book, I HIGHLY recommend you read it.

I was reading a bit during my break from class today, and I find I want to share the whole book, but obviously that's unrealistic so here's another little piece for you to soak up and enjoy!  I love this part because, again, it makes me self-reflect.  I feel as though Elizabeth Gilbert and I are kindred spirits!  And I just found out that she is a Cancer, she shares my zodiac!  Interesting.

She writes:

"I have never learned how to arrange my face in that blank expression of competent invisibility that is so useful.... You know--that super-relaxed, totally-in-charge expression which makes you look like you belong there, anywhere, everywhere, even in the middle of a riot in Jakarta.  Oh, no.  When I don't know what I'm doing, I look like I don't know what I'm doing.  When I'm excited or nervous, I look excited or nervous.  And when I am lost, which is frequently, I look lost.  My face is a transparent transmitter of my every thought.   As David once put it, "You have the opposite of poker face.  You have, like... miniature golf face."

This was particularly striking to me as people often tell me that my face is easy to read, which generally makes it hard for me to hide anything!  This is probably why I am such an open book, I've relented to the understanding that my face usually tells the whole story anyway... even when it's something I REALLY don't want to share.

This was pointed out to me when I was in a class where the teacher was trying out mystery books.  I was the test-subject because I had been out of the room when she formulated the idea with the class.  A friend of mine and I had gone to the office for something and upon returning the teacher commented that she couldn't find her cell phone insinuating that someone had taken it.  When all was said and done, and she revealed the "mystery," she said to me "man, Amanda, you looked at me like 'she better not accuse me, I didn't take anything, she even so much as accuses me I'm going to march right outta that damn door,'" which was almost verbatim to what I was thinking.  I couldn't believe my face was that readable, but now I know better.  My thoughts cannot be hidden...all someone needs to do if they are curious about my feelings is look at my min-golf face!!!  This is perhaps why I never gamble.

Love Always,

inventing characters

Dear Friends,

I began the journey into myself today!! I started Eat Pray Love, and I am amazed at how much it moves my thoughts and my spirit already.  I am only on page 18.  


I stopped literally in mid-sentence to blog about something Elizabeth Gilbert has written because I wonder if it reflects my own life, and my own question about the way that I handle relationships--something every single woman in the world regularly contemplates.  Of this, I am certain.

She writes:  "David and I met because he was performing in a play based on short stories I had written.  He was playing a character I had invented, which is somewhat telling.  In [this kind of] love it is always like this, isn't it?  ... We invent the characters of our partners, demanding that they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place."


I took a step back from my book, and whispered aloud to myself "wow!"  I think I've done this in so many of my relationships--and I think the writer and dreamer in me is partially to blame.   First, I pick the wrong guy, the very wrong guy.  Then, I envision this person to be more than what I even know them to be--and I fall in love with my own fantasy of who they are. I wind up heart broken and ending relationships that weren't right because I created something that wasn't even there to begin with.  


But, the trouble is... I don't know how to do it any other way.  Though, I am determined to learn how.  


Love Always,

truths

Dear friends,


I opened up the book Eat Pray Love, just for a quick preview before beginning the book tomorrow!  Sometimes, I can't help myself when it comes to reading!  The first thing I noticed was the quote that prefaces the text.  "Tell the truth, tell the truth, tell the truth."  ~Sheryl Moller.


I wonder if this will be the beginning of the journey into myself...

...some truths about me...


*I love the sound of the rain at night 
*I enjoy love letters
*I eat ice cream almost every day
*I would rather eat on a paper plate than have the cleanup of fine china
*I like to go to bed late, and wake up late
*I'm the most creative at night
*I adore reading
*I'm trying to finish writing a novel...I'm almost done!!
*Music is my muse
*I pursue happiness =)
*I want to get married and have children someday
*Cheesy romance makes my heart flutter
*I love playing games that bring out my inner child
*I want to see the world
*I am proud of my baking skills
*I am a dog person...to the max!
*I delight in the first firefly of summer
*I have a readable face, which makes it impossible for me to lie
*I blush easily
*I want to learn as much as I can about everything
*I want to love and be loved. . . for real next time.


Love Always,

swimming the moat

darling friends,


"you need to swim the moat if you want to get to the castle."

I love movie previews.  There's a sense of anticipation of the future in watching them.  When I went to see Eclipse I saw the trailer for a movie that I'm sure will touch me.  Eat Pray Love, which not surprisingly was a  book before it was a major motion picture, is come to theaters in August.  I can't wait for it to come out.  While I think it preaches elements of Buddhism, the message in general, is beautiful.  I'm buying the book today!

The premise of the story is a woman lost, missing from her own life who finds herself through food, prayer, and love.  She travels to Italy, India, and ends her year in Bali, in a journey to the center of her life, to discovering who she really is--what is in the core of her soul.  How beautiful.  

       

                                       

                            r i s k    e v e r y t h i n g 

                                         and

                            l e t      y o u r s e l f     g o

 E   A   T

*have a relationship with your food.  Today, for lunch, I had my favorite guacamole, lime chips, and a tuna sandwich + peach!! It was physically filling.  And, I'm baking cookies later to bring with me to Long Island tomorrow =)

P  R  A  Y

*"If you could clear out all the space in your mind you know what the universe would do?  Rush in!"  Today, I prayed for trust.  It was spiritually filling.

The author of Eat Pray Love explained that you "need to find a tiny little corner of your life where you can begin to ask yourself those burning essential questions of your life.  Who am I?  Where am I going?  What am I here for?"  

L  O  V  E

*I snuggled with my dogs this morning for an extra half hour in bed.  It filled my heart.

"You don't need a man, baby, you need a champion."

      
I am  s t r o n g e r !

my   h  o  p  e

my   f  a  i  t  h

my   t  r  u  t  h

my   c  o  u  r  a  g  e

this is going to be a good life.  I promise.

Love Always,