getting high

Darling friends,

It's so easy for me to psychoanalyze everyone else--peel away their layers like the skin of an onion, exposing who they really are.   And yes, even sometimes then I still stay.  I have to live with myself forever, and so I hesitate to analyze myself.  But, last night, I think I did a pretty good job at unraveling a really crucial layer.  


Allow me to try and walk you through this. . . 


Happiness is a fleeting moment.
Inner joy is eternal.


I do not have inner joy.
So, I seek out happiness like a cocaine addict seeks out a high-- obsessively, anxiously.  It is all consuming. 


I act impulsively, always looking for that high, to suck in that temporary happiness--breathe it in, let it overwhelm my body--knowing fully that it will leave, and I will be left sullen, panicked, waiting for the next high.  


Therefore, when any opportunity comes my way, where there is the possibility of feeling that high. . . I take it, of course.  Sometimes, it is  self-detrimental, and I end up unraveling the tangled mess of my impulsivity.  Hurting myself, and hurting others.


The problem:  I do not know how to do it any other way.  I don't know how to find "inner joy," so I can stop seeking the happiness high.  I do not know, especially, how to find God.


Maybe, he is already carrying me.


Love Always,