Tuesday, August 10, 2010

flowers and magic and love and bliss

Darling friends,

I think I am afflicted with what some religious scholars refer to as "Slumber Party Theology."  When I think of God I think of butterflies, and love, and flowers, and happiness, and bliss, and life, and stars, and magic.  Yes, even magic.  I've never been "afraid" of God.  Am I supposed to be?  It's all over the Bible... it's all over church... the awesome fear of God.  But, do I fear God.  No.  I never have.  It's always flowers and magic and love and bliss.  

Is that why I have big dreams?  I am such a dreamer.  I want so much out of life--I want everything--so much in fact, I'd probably--realistically--have to live 10,000 lives to do everything I want to do, I want to be, I want to experience, everything I want to live, I want to love.  Oh, do I want to love, and be loved.  To feel the sun from both sides--the warmth--the heat--the fire, like a strike of lightening, blue energizing glow surrounding my soul, my body, my heart, me...me...me

Is this why I'm selfish?  Probably.  Because I want.  I want.  I want.  I need.  I.  I.  I.  And for God sakes...love! Ultimately in life, we act selfishly.  We do what suits our own lives.  Bless, with a thousand universes those who act out of pure selflessness.  I used to think I was selfless that I do everything for everyone else--and mostly I think I do.  But, when it's big enough, when push comes to shove I will act in my own best interest... and damn everything else!  

"It all goes away. Eventually, everything goes away."  So says Liz.  Yes, ultimately the good the bad...the long nights, the blissful days.  They end.  All of them.  Everything.  I close my fist hard around the good moments, and watch as the sweet sand slips through.  Always, always it fall through the cracks.

Today, I read:

"Nobody amongst us is shown the endgame.  Devotion is diligence without assurance.  Faith is a way of saying, 'Yes, I pre-accept the terms of the universe and I embrace in advance what I am presently incapable of understanding.  There's a reason we refer to 'leaps of faith'--because the decision to consent to any notion of divinity is a mighty jump from the rational over to the unknowable.... If faith were rational, it wouldn't be--by definition--faith.  Faith is belief in what you cannot see or prove or touch.  Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark.  If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be... a prudent insurance policy.  I just want God.  I want God inside me.  I want God to play with my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on water."  ~Eat Pray Love 

So, God... carry me.  Dance inside my bloodstream.  While I don't want to know the endgame (because what fun would that be--after all).  I want some guidance.  I want you to help me cross that threshold into the joy of life, of living, of love, of adventure, of passion, of happiness... of bliss and butterflies and flowers and love and magic. 

Love Always,

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