me. . . a chef?!

dearest friends,


Most of you already know that I absolutely love to cook.  It is one of my favorite things to do, and bring me a great deal of inner joy.


I decided in my quest to find God, to start by discovering him on my plate of food.  This may seem silly, but it's the place where I find myself happiest.  

Yesterday morning, Sarah, suggested I look into taking a cooking class, since I love this fine art.  One of the Culinary Institute of America's campuses is near where I live.  So, I looked into one there.  They have classes for "food enthusiasts," which I suppose I must be.  They have "boot camp," a two to five day intensive immersion into the world of cooking.   And, they also have weekend classes.  I decided to start small.  Weekends sound nice.  I took a look at their course selection and decided on "Gourmet Meals in Minutes."  I cannot wait!!! I'm hoping to learn some valuable skills!!! They serve you lunch, you learn to cook, and I get to take home an apron and their cookbook.  yay!


Love Always,

getting high

Darling friends,

It's so easy for me to psychoanalyze everyone else--peel away their layers like the skin of an onion, exposing who they really are.   And yes, even sometimes then I still stay.  I have to live with myself forever, and so I hesitate to analyze myself.  But, last night, I think I did a pretty good job at unraveling a really crucial layer.  


Allow me to try and walk you through this. . . 


Happiness is a fleeting moment.
Inner joy is eternal.


I do not have inner joy.
So, I seek out happiness like a cocaine addict seeks out a high-- obsessively, anxiously.  It is all consuming. 


I act impulsively, always looking for that high, to suck in that temporary happiness--breathe it in, let it overwhelm my body--knowing fully that it will leave, and I will be left sullen, panicked, waiting for the next high.  


Therefore, when any opportunity comes my way, where there is the possibility of feeling that high. . . I take it, of course.  Sometimes, it is  self-detrimental, and I end up unraveling the tangled mess of my impulsivity.  Hurting myself, and hurting others.


The problem:  I do not know how to do it any other way.  I don't know how to find "inner joy," so I can stop seeking the happiness high.  I do not know, especially, how to find God.


Maybe, he is already carrying me.


Love Always,

it's 11:11

Dear friends,

I turn over at night, thinking, wishing, hoping, dreaming.  I toss and turn and turn and toss for hours. 11:11.  1:30.  3:30.  5:00.  The sun greets me waving its warming beams into my sheer curtains like some haunting of happiness.  


I just need a little more room to breathe.  I'm drowning, suffocating in the wild roller coaster of decisions.  I want to rip off the blinders, and be free.  Oh, freedom the little licks of you I taste on my tongue are so satisfying, so beautiful, so welcoming.  But, I choose the blinders don't I?  And then I laugh.  Oh, me.  You are so reckless.  You should wizen up--and then I don't.  Ignorance is bliss, so they say.  For a while it is, and then the daunting task of unraveling the tangled stings of a million dumb moments eats your heart out.  But, isn't it all worth it?  Sitting there detangling the strings, because sometimes they speak back.  Sometimes, maybe, it just might not be tumultuously dumb.  Or maybe it is more than just that.  More than black or white.  More than right or wrong.  But, some shade of effervescent gray.  My gray world.  


"In my big dreams I wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clovers."  ~something corporate. 


So, I just lay there. . . thinking, wishing, hoping, dreaming. . . wishing, wishing on a thousand universes.   And then the sun in it's warming light welcomes me--births me into the turbulent day, like a baby being welcomed into the world.  Damn you, light.  Sometimes I just want to lay there in the darkness of another night.

(photos by maria)

Good night,

flowers and magic and love and bliss

Darling friends,

I think I am afflicted with what some religious scholars refer to as "Slumber Party Theology."  When I think of God I think of butterflies, and love, and flowers, and happiness, and bliss, and life, and stars, and magic.  Yes, even magic.  I've never been "afraid" of God.  Am I supposed to be?  It's all over the Bible... it's all over church... the awesome fear of God.  But, do I fear God.  No.  I never have.  It's always flowers and magic and love and bliss.  

Is that why I have big dreams?  I am such a dreamer.  I want so much out of life--I want everything--so much in fact, I'd probably--realistically--have to live 10,000 lives to do everything I want to do, I want to be, I want to experience, everything I want to live, I want to love.  Oh, do I want to love, and be loved.  To feel the sun from both sides--the warmth--the heat--the fire, like a strike of lightening, blue energizing glow surrounding my soul, my body, my heart, me...me...me


Is this why I'm selfish?  Probably.  Because I want.  I want.  I want.  I need.  I.  I.  I.  And for God sakes...love! Ultimately in life, we act selfishly.  We do what suits our own lives.  Bless, with a thousand universes those who act out of pure selflessness.  I used to think I was selfless that I do everything for everyone else--and mostly I think I do.  But, when it's big enough, when push comes to shove I will act in my own best interest... and damn everything else!  

"It all goes away. Eventually, everything goes away."  So says Liz.  Yes, ultimately the good the bad...the long nights, the blissful days.  They end.  All of them.  Everything.  I close my fist hard around the good moments, and watch as the sweet sand slips through.  Always, always it fall through the cracks.


Today, I read:


"Nobody amongst us is shown the endgame.  Devotion is diligence without assurance.  Faith is a way of saying, 'Yes, I pre-accept the terms of the universe and I embrace in advance what I am presently incapable of understanding.  There's a reason we refer to 'leaps of faith'--because the decision to consent to any notion of divinity is a mighty jump from the rational over to the unknowable.... If faith were rational, it wouldn't be--by definition--faith.  Faith is belief in what you cannot see or prove or touch.  Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark.  If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be... a prudent insurance policy.  I just want God.  I want God inside me.  I want God to play with my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on water."  ~Eat Pray Love 


So, God... carry me.  Dance inside my bloodstream.  While I don't want to know the endgame (because what fun would that be--after all).  I want some guidance.  I want you to help me cross that threshold into the joy of life, of living, of love, of adventure, of passion, of happiness... of bliss and butterflies and flowers and love and magic. 


Love Always,

all in

Darling friends,

I have to remind myself that in terms of the relationship I have with myself--I'm all in for life.  Which is why even though this new Lifehouse song, that I love, speaks of a relationship between two people.  I see it as a relationship with myself too.   Because. . . 


There's no way I'm giving up this time.
I have to remember who I am without giving in to who I think someone wants me to be.


There's nothing left to hide, I'm falling harder than last time.  
I have to remember that even when I'm falling hard, letting my hands off the handlebars maybe really dangerous.  I have to pause. 


Even if I lose the game, I'm all in.  
I'm with myself always... when I win...when I lose.  I'm with me for life.  So, I should sure as hell love myself.


I have to remember who I am.  Pause.  I have to be careful not to lose myself again. 





Love Always,

a lot of hot air

Dearest friends,


The alarm goes off, the sky is midnight blue the sun waiting to kiss the horizon.  Your little bitty heart beats with anticipation.  After all, you had to get up this early.  


When I was younger my family used to go to the balloon festival about an hour north of my hometown.  I haven't been in years, but it used to be one of my favorite fall activities--and one of the most exciting "getting up early" mornings!  


Yesterday, I saw about twenty hot air balloons rise into the evening sky!  They were absolutely spectacular!!  The group of people I was with were pretty awesome too!  Being ever so dangerous sitting on the railing of the road we pointed, oooo'd and awwww'd, and laughed hysterically at the character balloons--my favorite was the tuxedo one!  This reminds me that with effort, and some hot air, our dreams take flight!




Love Always,

wegmans

Dear friends,

Sarah and I went to Wegmans for lunch today.  I LOVE WEGMANS!!!! Everyone who lives near a Wegmans always talks about how amazing this store is.   I had never experienced it until visiting Sarah.  It is the best grocery store I've ever been to--and actually, it's more like a grocery experience.  The last time I went to Wegmans I "had to try their subs while I was there," Sarah said.  I did, but I didn't order their sub sauce, instead I got my sandwich with regular spicy mustard.  So, this time...I got my ham and swiss  with their Wegmans' sub sauce--it was soooooooooo amazing!!! Mouth watering amazing!!! Then, I went down their bulk candy isle like a kid and got salt water taffy!  YUM!!! 

Love Always,